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[Sunday
May 14th, 2006
10:02pm] |
ok
ive thought and thought about my college shit and I finally have it thought out
tech school...take core classes
either go to WSSU for my BSN or fla
work as a RN for a year
find a graduate school and get my CRNA
yes that is the plan
lifes been wierd lately
sam basham and richard are over here now
drinking beer
and it makes me want one...ah like old times
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[Friday
May 12th, 2006
2:10am] |
wierd
im back from miami/keywest...and it was amazing
and again I have the empty longing feeling of wanting to go back...almost overides the joy of just being there.
and im trying to find out what I want to do when I get older. ive came to the conclusion that ive been settling for what I think I can only do....or the easiest...
and after seeing the things in miami the only reason im going to be able to live there is to make money...and I think thats enough movitation to get me threw school...I think im actualy ready to do it.
I need to take classes at forsyth tech for UNCG to accept me. and during those four years in greensboro I would earn my bachelors degree in nursing...and from there I have to work hands on as a registered nurse. and then I will go back to graduates school for 28 months and earn my CRNA...Ill pretty much work beside the Anetheseoligist...and adminster the anesthsia...I would also be earning minumium 100 thousand dollars a year...not to shabby
but then there is matt....he wants to go to school so bad....and I want him to, I want him to be happy more then anything...I just need to go to school aswell...
the plan is for me to move to fla with him and live in a aparmtnet down there and work till hes done with school...and then it will be my turn..im just not sure how that would work out. because im dying to get my education done with.
I think ill just start my college transfer classes at forsyth tech this fall. and then see how matt is progressing with getting out of debt...if hes doing good I will look into colleges in fla...and get one close to fort lauderdale...actualy I did find one there...14 miles away...so me and matt could still function properly.
I like having a plan like this
I like having my boyfriend
for once im peacefull with my life
there is hope
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[Thursday
May 4th, 2006
6:41pm] |
K so im leaving for miami/keywest in three hours
im fucking excited
ive still got so much more shit to do.
bleh.
I dont want to make this damn drive
anways
lawson is bugging the ever living shit out of me to leave.
which pisses me off.
because he got to stay at his house and do what he wanted.
but I can't do a damn thing that I want to do today.....
er fuck it
ok why am I having second thought about this trip.
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[Thursday
May 4th, 2006
11:09am] |
WHHHAAA
I have so much shit to do today its not even funny
but I dont give a shit
im leaving for miami/keywest....in about 10 hours...and my mother gave me a extra hundred...joy I have enough for gas now but still no food
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[Monday
May 1st, 2006
3:32pm] |
GOD I am so fucking frustrated right now
I have school....and I have to wear nice clothes and nothing fucking fits right because my legs are to long so the only dress shoes I have makes it look like im wearing fucking highwaters and the house is a fucking wreck the cat just throws up all over it and mom just lets it fucking sit there all god damn day long
and im sick and fucking tired of hearing everyones problems and no one wants to fucking listen to mine I get called a fucking bitch when I try to even say im feeling
im just ready to throw my hands in the air and say FUCK IT
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[Friday
April 28th, 2006
5:14pm] |
do you realize im going to be in miami next week this time.
no exacly this time
seven more days
AHHH
now you know.
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[Tuesday
April 25th, 2006
1:00am] |
I hate myself sometimes.
I really do.
im looking for change.
I sat outside my car and looked at the trees...and nothing felt the same...I walked into margrets house that I spent half of two summers ago and it smelled the same but nothing is the same.
and it never will be
I miss myself
I used to be "fearless" id take shots of liqour...get drunk as shit smoke weed...I even had balls to do some coke....would that happen now? hell no
im to scared I might have to take a pill or I might get sick
maybe thats it...I just stayed to fucked up to worry about any of this....
but maybe thats bad...
maybe im just fucked up now
because I AM
my lifes just one big circle one big repetitive fucking circle
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[Monday
April 24th, 2006
1:18am] |
this is completly random BUT it needs to be said
if anyone has ANYTHING at all to say about me...or any question you may have concerning a rumor.....
ASK ME
not my friends
and for you people that get asked about ME....refer them to me....because some things just aren't other peoples buisness
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[Saturday
April 22nd, 2006
10:01pm] |
you know what fuck prom
me lawson and stephanie went to prom tonight...and they were gonna try to get in...well they suceeded I was walking up the walk way to try it myself and some stupid boy called me a whore...guess he remembered me from glenn and I just stopped....and walked back to my car.
why in the fuck am I going to go to some prom where half the people in there either dont know me, dont care to know me or think im a whore...or worse people that are going to come up and hug me and say they missed me and then go back and talk about the std they heard I got...or what my number was up to now?
so fuck it...id love to go...I wanted to go to prom more then anything ever...but if I hate glenn and most of the people in it? why do I want to go to there prom?
im just fucking upset as hell...Ive been called a whore before but god damn
how can amber walk in there...after just having a baby and not get called a fucking whore. please tell me. I mean no offense to amber but god damn. just doesn't make since
and why the fuck are you going to go out of your way to call someone a whore on your prom night specially when you have a fucking date
so yea...fuck glenn.
its slightly pointless to not go with a prom date anyways. its not like anyones going to ask me to dance with them anyways
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[Saturday
April 22nd, 2006
5:09pm] |
I slightly feel like shit
proms tonight...and I just left ambers and kristens
everyone was over there all fixed up, it was amber,stephanie,lawson,kirsten,beth,chad and mitch and billy
I kinda wish i hadn't dropped out of highschool.
I feel like siht about it
I dont know maybe im just looking for something to whine about
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[Thursday
April 20th, 2006
2:23pm] |
yea so....today I got all my appointments lined up...got my gyno shit in order....on my way to getting my teeth filled and hopefully straight...and miami in order
and I put in a application to volunteer at the humane society...sounds fun. ive never volunteered before
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[Wednesday
April 19th, 2006
11:01pm] |
I think im shallow.
I dont know I was watching one of those reality tv shows about plastic surgery...so now im on a kick of what I want fixed.
I want t hat gap in my teeth gone....I want them white again...I want to take my scars off...and I dont like my ass...but I dont know how to fix that. and...a toned stomach and legs damn it.
and im teeter tottering on a boob job...but I think I would be MORE self concious with big boobs then what I have now
of course id never get any of this done unless I was rich ill be back to loving myself tomrrow
im actualy happy with my weight right now I hope I stay like that
*sigh* I never want to get old and saggy.
and id kill to be a super model
anyways.
matts in my room sleeping and I want to go cuddle....we had the best day ever I think...we woke up around 2 this afternoon went and got some breakfast...went to the mall...I found a amazing prom dress even thoe im not going it makes me wish that I was...it was 300 dollars thoe...fucking ridiculous...so thats defently not happening....then we went to salem lake and got a paddle boat and paddled all over that fucking lake...and made a new friend...it was a goose...no serously this was a cool goose. then we were going to go get some steaks and beer and have a cookout...but we dont have a grill...boo.
and then we went to buffalow wild wings and over ate...and now here I sit....
god todays been amazing
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[Saturday
April 15th, 2006
11:15am] |
I was going to write alot in here.
and I wrote it
then I deleated it.
yea.
I had alot of fun last night....yesterday was just random waves of feeling sick...then I went to a show...saw dustin there and a few other people then me and analise went to a bonfire it was wierd...in a fun way.
then I left.
cam and jeremy came over I think matt actualy liked them I was happy. no wierd jealous vibes. I pierced jeremys ear...it was fun...it just amazed me how that need I ganked from the hospital...slid threw his ear like fucking butter. I mean I barely priced it to see where I would pierce at and it brought a drop of blood.
then me them and matt all went to dennys...I kept getting sick...I came home and I went to sleep
and now here I sit.
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[Saturday
April 8th, 2006
4:19am] |
wow its almost 4:30am
its been a long night
not mentioning any names but my friend took....9 oxycotins snorted one...a darvacet...and two xanax.
she hasn't done pills in over a year thats why she came here to be ok and I guess she still thought she had a tolerance. no...no tolerance...we were on our way to a coffee house in downtown and she started vomiting...and from 11 till 2ish she has teeter totered between fun fucked up...and im going to die. she scared me in the car when she got scared and said she was going to die
me and matt had no clue how many she had taken...and then she told us....I about hit the floor.
we looked up over dose symptoms and she had them all minus a few so now im sitting at some strangers house that she was house sitting with a 7 year old and having no clue when they are getting back
I think me and matt are not having kids...maybe other kids are better. maybe this is just a 7 year old that hasn't taken her ridalin today.
poor kid went to WSSU hung out in a dorm room and then to waffle house with a bunch of kids. happy bday
man im just rambling...im so tired but I need to stay awake for matts phone call.
grr. ok I guess ill go pick a movie from there ginormous movie collection.
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[Thursday
April 6th, 2006
9:15pm] |
im trying to swallow food down now
im staying sick to my stomach again...third day straight...maybe its because I was just sick
maybe
I hope I get over it
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[Friday
March 31st, 2006
1:15am] |
I went to my first new therapist appointment. I have some high hopes for this one. hes perscribed to kalonapins aswell, he had kidney cancer a few years back and his anxiety started then...so he knows a little about what im going threw.
for some reason ive gotten it into my head that matts the only thing that can make me feel better.
so I just took a phingrin to hold me over till tomrrow. I guess I just have the mindset of one more night till hes back here because the days aren't so bad but the nights are hell.
this new game plan for me is to go onto lexapro (the mildest antianxiety/depressant out there) so I dont freak out everynight....and hopefully it will get me in a more stable state. he said more then likely with me it will not elimate the panick when I get sick so I can still take kalonapins and phinigrins when that happens.
its hard to explain it nothing ever comes out right if im thinking it but it really does seem like the best option at this point because im doing nothing but getting worse. and im ready to spend the night by myself.
its been weeks.
mmmkay I guess im going to take renee home and hang out with lawson for the rest of the night and get up at like 9am woot
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[Tuesday
March 28th, 2006
1:08am] |
*sigh*
fuck these fafsa papers.
and fuck the wierd half stalkerish guy leaving comments.
damn guilford college liberal hippie know it alls
not that I have a problem with liberals or hippies. just this specific one.
so Im going to brookestone college may 1st. guess what trip was planned then...miami. thats right...im giving up miami to go to college.
but damn...im trying to decide if I want to settle for myrtle beach or actualy still try and push miami....I think ill just settle for myrtle beach. but I really dont see when im going to get to miami...I just want that happy feeling I have when im there....I dont think I can get that anywhere else. I just want to lay out in the sun and have all those peoples around and all the lights and all the excitement and gah.
WAIT SCRATCH ALL OF THAT
IM SUCH A IDIOT
I only have class tuesday,wensday, and thursday.
I CAN GO TO MIAMI!!!!! I CAN LEAVE THURSDAY NIGHT, HAVE FRIDAY, SATERDAY, AND SUNDAY...AND COME HOME EARLY MONDAY
hell fucking yea
my night is looking up
anyways.
im going to medical assisting im going to draw blood. yee. oh and I talked to ory tonight
it was wierd
I wish we were still friends...kinda gives me this wierd feelings. on of those feeling where im going to go and lay in bed and think about it
oh but fuck im so excited about miami now
but first im going to go slit my wrist and kill myself
k bye
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[Monday
March 27th, 2006
2:59pm] |
well looks like the dumb highschool dropout isn't so dumb after all.
I got accepted to college. fucking awesome. I start threw the summer
which means the miami trip is out...matt said he is going to try to work around it because he really wants to go
OMFG I love life right now
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[Monday
March 27th, 2006
12:33am] |
tonights been wierd.
last night was fucking awesome
I felt mildly normal
first miss renees 18th bday party no smoking and drinking and getting fucked up and there was a bunch of girls. that were cool everyone got along....I got to help decorate the cake
then me matt and his friend will met two boys at ihop and drank coffee and ate food and chilled...then went back to my house they drank found a really really good liqour.
anywoo
we went to bed.
lit some candles
acted cute
and then fell asleep.
tonight I went to renees and we looked at apartments.
tomrrow I have to go look at this college at 1 in greensboro
seems like lifes getting good.
no nervous problems this weekend....a bit tonight while I was drving. im starting to randmly get nervous at night I dont like it
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[Saturday
March 25th, 2006
7:28pm] |
id really like to know who the fuck was that made the last comment in my journal.
someone tell me when I brag about taking massive amounts of klonapins? oh excuse klonopins because I do take them in massive amounts I guess I shoud know how to spell them
and will someone please tell me do I sound happy and bragging when I make a post during a panick attack
do you think I enjoy being like this one little bit
I might have to beat a bitchs ass.
im sorry that just touched a fucking nerve what they said.
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thatnobodyisme's journal